The Strange Silver Lining of Feeling Lost (How to Find Out Who You Really Are)

Ever felt like you were wandering through a fog, lost and confused?

That's how I felt in 2020. I'd made some big changes, but it was like I was still stuck in a maze.

You know that whole 'find yourself' thing?

Yeah, I was all about that.

I took it even further. Ever heard of a Walkabout?

In Aboriginal culture, it’s a rite of passage—a journey of finding purpose. You spend weeks or months alone in the wilderness, connecting with nature and your spirit.

I went on my own version of a walkabout. I wasn’t trekking across the outback, but I was definitely lost in a life that no longer made sense. And it didn't have anything to do with COVID.

Turns out, it's not as simple as packing a backpack and hitting the road. Even though that's kind of where I started.

It's about digging deep, stripping away the bullshit, and facing the real you.

I realized that our values aren't just fancy words; they're the actions that define us. And I wasn't living by mine.

So, I decided to take a hard look at myself, confront my fears, and figure out what really mattered.

I went on a journey to find myself. I found a whole lot more.

I found my soul.

This letter is about what I learned. It's about the ups, the downs, and the dirty truth of self-discovery.

It's about finding your way through the fog and finally figuring out where the hell you're going.

It's not neat or coherent—it's raw, real, and messy.

Just like life.

Who We Think We Are vs. Who We Really Are

Here’s the thing.

Most of us like to think we’ve got a handle on our values. We throw around words like “honesty,” “integrity,” and “success” as if they’re banners we bear.

But the truth is, our values aren’t what we say they are. They’re what we do.

The choices we make, how we react under pressure, and the habits we keep tell the real story. Most of the time, there’s a huge gap between who we think we are and who we really are.

We say we value health, but we gorge on junk food. 

We preach kindness, but we ghost friends when things get tough.

It’s not just hypocritical—it’s destructive. 

That disconnect is the root of so much of our stress and dissatisfaction.

The Moment Everything Shifted

I’m not usually one to follow “spiritual gurus,” but during those months, I dove into philosophy books like a man possessed.

Books like Grist for the Mill, Shantarum, The Untethered Soul and the Leopard Warrior.

I devoured ideas that stretched my mind. I asked myself big questions with no easy answers. 

Questions like "How am I living a meaningful life?" or "How am I embracing change?"

There were no easy answers, but that was the point. I wanted to crack something open inside of me.

At some point, amid my scribbles and existential musings, I picked up a copy of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. 

Eckhart Tolle’s concept of being present hit me the hardest. It wasn’t some abstract, woo-woo idea. It was simple, real, and exactly what I needed: stop running, stop seeking, and be here now. It clicked.

One day, I was doing my morning meditation. And I felt it. I was present—not solving problems or planning my next big move.

I was just... being.

And then, out of nowhere, the fog in my brain cleared. There wasn’t some grand epiphany with fireworks in my head, but a quiet, confident feeling emerged.

Like a voice saying, "This is it. This is your path."

It was like a switch flipped. The path was no longer some abstract vision. It became real, a tangible future that I would create. 

The weight of uncertainty lifted, and in its place was this sense of calm confidence that I hadn’t felt in years. I stopped doubting.

I stopped second-guessing. I knew exactly what I needed to do.

And the crazy part? It felt easy. 

It's the kind of “easy” that happens only when everything aligns. What's inside connects with what's outside.

When finding purpose becomes clear. When the universe seems to nod as if saying, “Finally. Now you get it.”

The Disconnect Is Killing Us

That feeling of confidence is powerful. It is that deep, undeniable sense of knowing.

It changed everything for me. 

But I realized it was something most people have to experience. We spend so much time disconnected from our true values.

We feel lost. We feel anxious and overwhelmed.

Because our lives do not reflect who we are. We chase someone else’s version of success or happiness. And wonder why we never seem to get there. Why are we not overcoming challenges in our lives?

Here’s a truth that might sting.

If you’re feeling stuck and unfulfilled or not living authentically. 

You’re living by someone else’s values.

You’ve internalized societal norms and family expectations as your own. You've adopted social media’s shiny versions of success as your own.

But deep down, something doesn’t sit right. That’s your subconscious screaming that you’re on the wrong path.

The Constant Search for Meaning

As you move through life, you solve one problem after another. You expect that the feeling of being lost to disappear.

But often, it doesn't.

You achieve some goals and improve your circumstances. But you still feel like you're searching for something deeper.

This is where an interesting psychological phenomenon comes into play. Psychology calls it prevalence-induced concept change.

When we start to fix issues in our lives. Like relationships, career struggles, or even personal development.

Our brains redefine what it means to have a "problem."

Essentially, as we solve big problems, smaller ones start to feel bigger than they are.

Even when you're making progress, you still feel lost.

Because your mind has shifted its understanding of what "being lost" means.

What is Prevalence-Induced Concept Change?

Prevalence-induced Concept Change (PICC): If people see an event or idea many times, they might think it happens more often than it really does.

A recent study demonstrated this effect. Participants were shown blue dots and then introduced to purple ones. When blue dots became rarer, participants started mistaking purple dots for blue.

Here's the simple version:

Imagine you're playing a game where you have to find blue dots. At first, there are lots of blue dots, so it's easy. But then, the blue dots become harder to find.

What might happen? You might start calling purple dots blue because you're so used to seeing blue dots.

This is kind of like what happened in an experiment. People were shown different things, like faces or colors. When something happened less often, people started to think it happened more often.

It means our brains can get tricked into thinking something is more common than it really is.

Think about this for a second.

This doesn't just happen with games or colors. It can happen with anything, like problems or news stories.

If we see something a lot on the news, we tend to think it happens more often, even if it doesn't.

The Silver Lining of Being Lost

Here's the kicker. Understanding this is a powerful tool for growth.

Why? Because we’re stuck in a cycle where we never truly feel “enough.”

We achieve something, then immediately move the goalposts. We fix one problem, but instead of celebrating, we find ourselves hunting for the next one.

It’s like life is one giant game of Whac-A-Mole. You smack one issue down, and two more pop up.

You must redefine what’s important to you. Keep asking deeper questions. Keep building resilience.

It's not about lack of direction. It’s about recalibrating.

About finding clarity at a new level of personal understanding.

Feeling lost is your brain’s way of pushing you to evolve. It’s a sign that you’re about to break free from the endless loop of dissatisfaction.

You start discovering who you are and start living authentically.

How to Find Who You Really Are

So how do you fix this?

First, you’ve got to figure out what you really value, not what you think you value.

To get there, ask yourself some tough questions:

• What do you actually spend your time on?

• What do you spend your money on?

• What do you focus on without even thinking about it?

  
  

If you value health but spend evenings on the couch eating takeout. If you're scrolling TikTok when you wake up, think again.

Health isn’t your value. Comfort is.

Next, you have to look at your life and ask, “Am I satisfied?” If you’re feeling stressed, out of place, or like you’re wearing a mask.

That’s a massive red flag.

It’s a sign that your actions don’t align with your real values.

The next step?

Experiment with new behaviors that reflect your values.

If you value creativity.

Dedicate a few hours each week to painting, writing, or creating something. Pay attention to how it feels.

Does it light you up?

Does it make you feel more like you're breaking free from limitations?

Values aren’t static. They can evolve.

Only if you’re ready to challenge your long-held identity.

The Art of Living by Your Values

The easy part is discovering your values. The hard part is living them.

Because let's be honest. Life always throws curveballs. People will push your buttons. You will fall back into old habits.

But here’s the thing. Life doesn't get easier when you align with your values.

But it does get clearer. You can see your path.

You stop feeling like you’re constantly battling yourself. You start making decisions that might be hard but feel right.

And that’s where the silver linings start to appear.

Incredible things happen when you start finding your true self. You begin to attract the right people, opportunities, and experiences into your life.

Things start to click.

It’s not because the universe is magically rearranging itself to meet your needs. It’s because you are showing up differently.

You’re finally living a meaningful life. That energy changes everything. It's a new mindset.

The Principles That Bring Values to Life

Now, let’s talk about principles. If values are your emotional compass, principles are the rules you follow to live by them.

Let’s say you value creativity. What principle can you follow to live that value?

The principle behind it could be: "Seek new knowledge, and explore different perspectives." Curiosity fuels creativity by inspiring new ideas and connections.

These small, consistent actions are how your values become a lived reality.

Let’s say one of your core values is freedom. That’s great, but what does it mean in practice?

A principle might be: "I won’t commit to anything that feels restrictive. Whether it’s a job, relationship, or responsibility."

Or, if honesty is a value, your principle might be:  “I will always speak my truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.”

Principles take your values from abstract ideas to concrete actions.

They’re where the rubber meets the road. Without principles, values are nice-sounding concepts that don’t mean anything.

And without values, principles are rigid rules with no real purpose.

When I created Rugged Human, it wasn’t about selling a product or an idea.

It was about living by the principles that aligned with my values. It was about creating a framework for myself and others to follow. So we live with purpose and fulfillment, not chase fleeting success.

The Key to Reinvention: Challenging Your Old Values

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: real growth doesn’t happen in your comfort zone.

You can’t change your values by staying in the same old environment. Or by hanging out with the same people or doing the same things.

You’ve got to throw yourself into experiences that challenge everything. What you thought you knew.

"I knew in my bones my calling to be a Sangoma, a traditional African shaman."-John Lockley

John Lockley was drafted into the South African military in 1990. His path took him from the hills of South Korea to the Eastern Cape in Africa.

A white man became a shaman of the Xhosa people. He crossed cultural and racial boundaries. He lived his values of learning and open-mindedness.

Most of us won’t face challenges as extreme as that, but the principle is the same. If you want to redefine your values, you’ve got to put yourself in situations that test them.

Maybe it’s trying a new career or moving to a different city. Or listening to people who see the world differently than you.

When you start embracing change, you’ll grow.

And so will your values.

The Good Life: Living in Alignment

Living by your values isn't a fairy tale ending; it's a daily practice.

It's about aligning your actions with your beliefs. Creating a sense of harmony within yourself. It's the antidote to the internal conflict when we compromise our principles.

The people who truly live the good life aren't the ones with the most money, fame, or success.

They're the ones who have dug deep within themselves to discover what they stand for.

They refuse to budge, no matter the cost.

They aren't just surviving; they're thriving.

When you align with your values, you stop warring with yourself.

You don't struggle between what you know is right and what leads you astray. Harmony brings a sense of peace and purpose that transcends external circumstances.

It's not about becoming perfect; it's about striving for authenticity. It's about owning your flaws.

Embrace your imperfections and choose to live by your principles.

Living authentically requires constant attention. It takes continuous self-reflection and a willingness to adapt as circumstances change.

But the rewards are immeasurable.

It's a path that leads to finding purpose. Finding fulfillment.

And finding peace.

The Road Less Traveled

Most people aren’t willing to take that path. Because it's hard.

Most people are afraid to leave their comfort zone.

It requires deep introspection and uncomfortable realizations. It requires the courage to challenge everything you thought you knew about yourself.

You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore

But here’s the deal: the road less traveled leads to the life most people only dream of.

We live in a world obsessed with shortcuts and instant gratification.

Success is sold as something you can hack in 30 days or 3 easy steps. But true fulfillment doesn’t come from hacking anything.

It comes from building something new.

Building yourself, your habits, and your life in a way that’s true to your core values. It’s not glamorous, and it’s not quick.

But it’s worth every ounce of effort you put in.

When you live by your values, you are finding purpose. When you create principles, you are breaking free from limitations.

You’ll discover strength in moments of weakness. You’ll uncover opportunities where others only see obstacles.

Values in Action: The Rugged Human Way

Rugged Human doesn't preach pipe dreams or promises of overnight success. It is a way of life—a method for becoming the person you were born to be.

A Rugged Human isn’t just someone tough or resilient. A Rugged Human knows who they are and lives in full alignment with their values, no matter how hard life gets.

It’s not about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about staying true to yourself, even when the world tells you to conform.

It’s about living with grit, integrity, and purpose.

The truth is you don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to know exactly what the future holds.

You just need to start living in alignment with your values, one decision at a time. The rest will fall into place.

Take the First Step

I’ll leave you with this: if you’re feeling lost or disconnected, don’t wait for the perfect moment to make a change.

The perfect moment doesn’t exist.

Take one small step toward the person you want to become. Make one decision that aligns with your actual values.

That’s how real transformation happens—one choice at a time.

And remember, you’re not alone on this journey.

The Rugged Human community is here to support, challenge, and help you navigate the ups and downs.

Live true to yourself. Start building your future today.

Until next time,

Jerod

P.S. If you want to learn how to change your life, I created a course that teaches you to do precisely what I describe in this letter. I walk you through it step by step. You can start right now. Read more about it here.