How To Find (Unconventional) Happiness

Courage.

Ancient Greeks called it Andreia, meaning fortitude or heart.

And that is what it still is.

When Fear comes, it gets covered up, even smothered. The little warm winds that blow from the heart go cold.

But when fear comes, it also brings us to a path where magic can happen.

It’s not marked, but safe and simple.

It’s hard to find. It’s not on a map. But it’s there.

Anyone can walk it.

Once you find it, you can always find it again.

You learn a lot when you do.

Wear the world like a loose garment, and let it slip on and off-Omar Khayyám

What Happiness Is and What It Is Not

People have been trying to measure happiness for centuries. In 1780, English philosopher Jeremy Bentham said happiness was the primary goal of humans. That makes sense to me.

Today, surveys measure happiness. Self-reported surveys. Prone to cognitive bias and other sources of error.

Research shows people are poor predictors of their future emotions. That includes how happy they will be.

No big surprise. It's hard to see yourself.

We all want happiness. We look for it like the rarest of jewels. We view it as a luxury reserved for the fortunate few.

We compare ourselves to others and always seem to come up short. We are not rich enough. We don't have the right job. We haven't found the right book.

There's always something.

But in reality, happiness is a state of mind, a choice we make. A diamond in the rough.

A personal journey that requires exploration, experimentation, and work.

Happiness, like a gem, shines brighter when polished.

It’s not about constant excitement or fast pleasure. But about finding contentment in the ordinary moments and accepting life's challenges.

To find happiness, you must first shed expectations. The pressures of society that weigh us down.

Just as you don't judge a book by its cover, don’t judge your happiness based on external factors.

How Happiness is Not the Opposite of Negative Emotions

Most people consider happiness the opposite of sadness, anger, or anxiety. When we are sad, we can't be happy.

But the truth is that negative emotions are natural, a regular part of life.

Without negative emotions, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the positive ones.

No one can feel good all the time. If we accept our natural emotions, including the negative, we can get more clarity. We can focus on what matters.

Happiness is Not About Money Or Success

When I was younger, I had a roommate. He was a trust fund kid. His family builds skyscrapers, luxury homes, and hydroelectric dams.

He always drove a new BMW every year. He owned a beachfront condo in Santa Barbara, overlooking one of the best surf breaks.

This is where I lived with him. It was a fantastic view.

But he was miserable. He drank too much to cover up his problems. He had terrible relationships.

He couldn't find his way. And he was NOT happy.

Have you met someone like this in your life?

Why are they so miserable?

To the outside world, they look like picture-perfect success. Money. Big houses. Fast cars. But they are missing one thing.

Purpose.

Their lives and day-to-day routines do not have a deeper meaning.

Unconventional Happiness is Not Constant

We trick ourselves into thinking we can find happiness. We need something. We need to get somewhere.

Look at any social media, the news, or an advertisement. The beautiful people, living in great places, having trendy things.

We think having what they have, will make us happy.

But the truth is happiness is ever-changing. It comes and goes. And it takes work.

We need to cultivate it.

We must focus on what matters in the big scheme of our lives. Our relationships. People we love. How we can help other people.

The things that give our lives meaning. Things that have impact.

These give us purpose.

We Don't Find Happiness In A Greener Pasture

Happiness is an inside job. Happiness is a new perspective. Happiness is gratitude for what we have.

Happiness is a mindset. It is an internal state. Like I said before, we must cultivate happiness.

We must cultivate the habit of being grateful for what we do have, even in the face of the regular challenges of life.

We must appreciate the moment.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. - Maya Angelou.

The Myth of Fearless Living

The biggest problem that we have is fear. We don't try new things because we are afraid of failure.

When we don't try new things, we don't grow. We stagnate.

And in this stagnation, we are the most unhappy.

We are all afraid of something. Fear will always be there. There will always be something to be afraid of until we die.

That's life.

But when we find the ability inside of us, to accept that fear. Feel it. Let it move through us.

We find that unmarked, magical little path. A path to our courage.

This path where fear and desire meet. It is where our growth occurs. It is where where our desire outweighs our fear.

We push past our comfort zone on this path. We see new opportunity. A new sunrise before us.

This path is where we cultivate things that matter. Where we make better decisions.

This path is where we are in the moment.

It is also our key to happiness, where we examine what we have with mindful objectivity. With gratitude.

Where we notice the little things that "take our breath away."

Our health. Our loved ones. Our children. Our life.

The simple act of connecting with loved ones can fill our hearts with warmth and happiness.

A shared meal, a heartfelt conversation, or a simple hug.

Human connection is a powerful source of joy.

Cultivating the Courageous Mindset

Most of us have found it at least once in our life. When things just clicked. When we weren't worried about tomorrow.

This is a courageous mindset. We have complete faith that we can overcome any challenge or adversity.

The definition of courage is taking action regardless of fear.

We find our fortitude, our Andreia as the Ancient Greeks called it.

To develop that mindset, we must practice.

But we need to start small. No big change ever occurs overnight.

Unconventional Happiness: How to Find in 4 Steps

Embrace your Flaws.

No one is perfect despite what we see on social media. Beautiful models prancing around the south of France in bikinis on the beach. Young men sporting their new Lambo.

We are human. We are flawed by design.

It's ok to be you. Remember, there is only one of you. You are unique, different and special as only you can be. This is how we find our unconventional happiness.

Embrace your flaws. But work on them, too. That's part of the inside job.

If you want to fix your flaws bad enough, you will. Despite your fear.

If you want it. More than you're scared of it. You'll get it.

Practice Self Compassion and Forgiveness.

We all make mistakes. We all have things in our past where we wish we could get a "do-over". But we can't. When we dwell on the things we can't change, we waste our energy.

We often hold onto our past because of wrongs done to us. We are bitter or angry because someone hurt us. This is where forgiveness comes in.

Most people think forgiveness is a weakness. They think forgiving someone lets that person "off the hook." Or even condones the harm done.

That is not the case.

Forgiveness is a tool. It is a skill like anything else. Forgiveness brings freedom.

It allows you to drop the rocks you are carrying. The weight of your life backpack that slows you down.

I use a process I call the "forgiveness filter" when I am having a hard time letting a wrong go. It goes like this.

1. Identify wrong done.

2. Make a point of determining what part you had to play.

   
   

   **Remember: Even in random negative wrongs done to us, the part we play can simply be our response.

   
   

3. If you did have a part. Acknowledge it and make it right if needed. Forgive. Then move on.

4. If you did not have a part then forgive and move on.

When we're upset, despite the cause, it often means something is happening inside us. We need to find that and get at it.

On a side note, I have guided meditations on self-forgiveness and compassion that help with these exact things. If you are interested, you learn more here.

Reframe Failure.

The thought of feeling like an idiot or a beginner is terrifying. Then we play it safe and don't try. We hold ourselves back from jobs, relationships, and opportunities.

Our fear of rejection keeps us from even putting ourselves out there. We don't even get in the game.

Failure is inevitable. Failure is also a lesson.

Every time we fail at anything, two things happen. One is we learn something from the failure. And, two, we decide to keep trying or give up.

Don't ever give up. We must fail many times to get good at anything.

The more we fail, the better we get. The easier it is to get back on the path to our courageous mindset.

Action in the face of fear, remember?

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. - Paulo Coelho

And yet, it’s precisely these kinds of failures we must risk to be truly happy.

Don't Try So Hard.

Psychological research suggests that trying to be happy can be counterproductive.

Victor Frankl, coined the term Paradoxical Intention. It says that focusing on an outcome can reduce its effectiveness. So, if we focus on happiness too hard, we reduce it.

We must accept negative emotions and experiences without judgment. Mindfulness helps us reduce the intensity of our negative emotions. It improves our well-being.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Wayne Dyer

So don't try so hard to be happy. Accept life as it happens and cherry-pick the happy moments.

The more you focus on the happy moments, the more happy moments come along.

Weird right? But true.

The Ripple Effect of Happiness

Happiness, like a smile, is contagious. It can spread far and wide.

When you throw a rock into a pond, it makes ripples. Our own happiness ripples out to those around us.

When we cultivate our courageous mindset and radiate joy, we impact what is around us. It has a powerful effect on our relationships, our communities, and even the world at large.

As the Dalai Lama once said, "Happiness is not something you find, but something you create."

When we choose happiness, we become a light. A beacon. It brightens the path for others.

It's our small part to create a more positive and compassionate world.

The Story of Bethany Hamilton

Bethany Hamilton is a professional surfer. When Beth was 13 years old, she lost her left arm in a shark attack. Despite this devastating event, she didn't let it define her.

She returned to surfing after the attack and became a world-renowned surfer.

Here's what she said about it in her words.

"It's hard for me to describe the joy I felt after I stood up and rode a wave in for the first time after the attack. I was incredibly thankful and happy inside."

"The tiny bit of doubt that would sometimes tell me you'll never surf again was gone in one wave. Knowing I can make a difference helps me push myself harder."

"Love is bigger than a tsunami, stronger than any fear."

Those are powerful words.

Beth's experience inspires countless others to this day. Her message of hope and perseverance has rippled.

Beth has become a vocal advocate for ocean conservation and shark awareness. ( talk about forgiveness!)

Happiness Is A Mindset.

It's not a destination. But a path we blaze through the challenges.

Cultivate your courageous mindset. Embrace your imperfections. Find meaning in your life.

That's how we unlock happiness. And the best part?

We get to choose.

When we choose happiness, we improve. We grow. And we contribute.

So be the light. Spread some joy. Inspire others wherever you go.

That, my friend, will make you happy.

Until next time,

Jerod